In the Summer of 2015, I collected every piece of musical equipment in my possession, violin, guitars, keyboard, amps, and computer, and stuffed them in my Mustang and headed out toward the Anza-Borrego Desert to begin what I believed at the time to be a concerted effort to affirm myself in this world as a composer. I wanted to get away from people and comforts, to be “distraction” free, and write freely without interruption. For a week. Sounds like it could be fruitful, right? Well, funny thing: I made this trip in mid-June, the temp was well into the triple digits most of the week (117° F on one of the days), and although I was staying in a very charming small house, all I had to protect me from roasting like a rotisserie chicken was a rusty old swamp cooler. No A/C. Just unforgiving sun.

I suppose we could spend time trying to investigate where the loose screw in my brain was that allowed me to think that going to the desert in the height of the summer was a great idea. Part of it was that I didn’t have a ton of money to blow on a weeklong retreat and this was the most cost effective I guess? It was definitely challenging to make it through, but my intentions were true and I actually did manage to make some headway on my writings and mapping out how I wanted my career to look. By the way, this desert is absolutely gorgeous. The night sky is untainted by any light pollution. I recommend visiting when the summer is not close to being a thing.

Rewind back a little bit. I went to Cal State, Bakersfield for music and this is where I really developed my obsession with music completely. My professors really looked out for me and I learned so much. I was able to study composition with two really great teachers when I was there, but there was no composition focus to explore for my music major, so it was never something I spent all of my time doing even though deep down in the back of my mind I wanted it to be. I loved exploring the relationship between pitches and how the different combinations of notes somehow evoked completely different emotions. I loved coming up with really cool rhythms and making fun pieces to play. Being out of college a few years and not working full time in 2015, I thought I had a good opportunity to do this more in depth and make the idea of being a composer a reality.

That very same summer, right as I returned from my week long retreat from the desert, I got offered a position to teach music full time at a local elementary school. In comparison to other gigs I had in the past, the starting pay was significant and the benefits, substantial, but I really struggled with saying yes to this position. I deliberated for awhile on whether I should say yes because I knew that what I would be gaining in financial wealth would be coming at the cost of my wealth of time which I regarded as extremely valuable. I knew even then that taking the job would mean once again placing my compositional goals on the back burner.

In the end I decided on taking the position. Fun sidenote: my partner also got offered a position to teach music at this school district, and we both got interviewed and hired on the same day. We still work 3 minutes away from each other, and we often bring coffee to each other. I took the job, and resolved that I could still make time for writing, but simply put, it didn’t happen. I got caught up in learning the ropes of my job - which there were many, taking credentialing classes to keep my position, and teaching violin privately in the afternoons for additional income. I was also playing in my local symphony. With all of these things being juggled, it was very difficult to hash out time for writing. Composing was virtually absent from my life for a long time.

Today I still teach full time, and I enjoy working with kids and expanding their worldview by sharing with them the music that I hold so dear to me. I have started gradually folding composition back into my life and have even had some successes along the way although that’s a conversation for another time. However, it has been close to 5 years since I made that journey out into the desert, and what I have noticed most is unfortunately I don’t have much to show for the time I have spent trying to write music. What I do have is a series of false starts followed by long lulls where I don’t have much going on. I could sulk and be self-deprecating about it, I know I have in the past, but that’s not where I want to be now.

Instead I am recommitting myself to my ambitions and in fact do more. I am writing more music this year than I did in years previous and I am presenting a concert of my work this year. Those are two very big goals that are always on the front of my mind and will be spending my energy on. This is a reaffirmation that I am a composer, and I am looking forward to having you, my listeners, be a part of my journey as I document my growth, my success, and even my stumbles along the way.

I invite you to join me on my journey as I share more of my work and make composition a bigger part of my life. Sign up for my newsletter to stay up to date on my latest projects and upcoming events; you will also receive monthly exclusive content, both audio and scores, just for subscribers. You can also find me on my facebook and Instagram. I look forward to hearing from all of you and as always, thanks for listening!

Reaffirmation

©Jason Anthony Gomez 2022